there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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