remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
