Your mouth is God's brothel.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
