im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
