take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
