If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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