I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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