I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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