I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just invented taco cereal.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
