I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
