I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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