She is in my trunk
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
PANTIES FOUND
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