im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
