the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
