I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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