My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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