U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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