Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
