I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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