Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
