I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
