i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The beer is more important than you right now.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
