Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
it's like heaven, but drunker
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
