Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
