my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
