sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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