I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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