Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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