Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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