Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
