Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
