Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
