you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
