The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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