from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
