My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
