Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
