If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
