When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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