I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I believe in your delicious
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
