This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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