Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
