The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
