i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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