70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
