I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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