Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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