I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
