i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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