Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
