mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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