My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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