Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
