so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
