i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
