ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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