If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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