I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
