did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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