do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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