I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Randomize
