Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
