I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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