some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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