Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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