I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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