remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
