Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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