Sry I called you an 8
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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