Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
